Girlfriend Jenny Gardiner

smAuthor1Jenny’s back! Funny girl and author Jenny Gardiner pays us a visit with her usual snark intact to talk life and WINGING IT, in stores now. We’ve also posted a video so you can get to know the star of the book. I was blown away how well Gracycie can imitate her housemates’ voices.

If Oprah invited you on her show to talk about your book, what would the theme of that show be?

Um, how about What Took You So Long??? Actually I think I’d be so overwhelmed with undying gratitude I’d have to bring along a carload of food treats because I know Oprah would appreciate some homemade banana cream pie, maybe some amazing pound cake, I make a kick-ass pumpkin bread, too. The theme would be about plying people with food to please them…

What was the most fun scene in your book to write? The most difficult?

I enjoyed writing the scenes about crazy things Graycie has done–and she’s done plenty. Like when she’d snuck off the cage and I was trying to get her back onto it and using a broom to sort of “direct” her and she kept biting the broom and my ankles while repeating (in my voice) “Hello, Gray chicken!” (a little term of endearment I have for her).

The most difficult had to do with things that happened along the way. In my mind this was a story about Graycie but her life and ours are inexplicably tied together, so it became a memoir of my family as well. And it’s tricky writing about family without invading their privacy, so that was hard for me to strike a balance. And hard to revisit some of the tough things we’ve dealt with over the years.

Do you have a muse, good luck charm, writing vice?

Peanut M&Ms used to be my writing vice, but then I gave them up last year for Lent. Somewhere along the line, Mint M&Ms became my writing vice this year, but I gave them up for Lent. Today, it seems that Thin Mints are my writing vice. Are you beginning to see a pattern here? (I should definitely write at coffee shops, rather than at my desk right in the kitchen!)

What do you write on (type of computer, or notebook, etc.) and where do you write?

I have a MacBook and I usually write at home. My desk is basically in the kitchen (see above, bad food crutches) and in the main thoroughfare of the house, so it forces me to focus with external forces (i.e. kids, dogs, cat, parrot) are causing disruption, which is often. I love to work at coffee shops and when I really have to crunch on deadlines, I do that, though. But I feel guilty leaving the pets home alone all day so don’t do that regularly.

Have you had a “rock star” moment regarding your writing career? If so, what was it?

Well, maybe a peripheral one. I had the wonderful fortune of having Winging It be selected as a Pulpwood Queen’s book club book for this year, and that meant attending their awesomely fabulous Girlfriends Weekend in January in Jefferson, TX. The keynote speaker was an author whose writing I revere, and I thought at best I’d get a glimpse of him. But instead I got to join the other 30-odd writers who spent the weekend in the company of Pat Conroy, who is one of the most talented authors alive today, in my opinion. He was charming, gracious and thoughtful, he regaled us and the Pulpwood Queens with fascinating tales of his life as a writer and just funny personal anecdotes, and he even made a point of purchasing and having signed books from each author there. How cool was that?

What do you do to celebrate your writing successes?

Well, I’m never opposed to a nice bottle of champagne…And a lovely dinner out.

Describe your personality with five adjectives that would make your 5th grade English teacher proud.

Dogmatic, committed, persevering, jovial, reliable

http://authors.simonandschuster.com/Jenny-Gardiner/64294275

“As sweet as a song and sharp as a beak, Winging It really soars as a memoir about family–children and husbands, feathers and fur–and our capacity to keep loving though life may occasionally bite.”
–Wade Rouse, bestselling author of At Least in the City Someone Would Hear Me Scream, and Confessions of a Prep School Mommy Handler

“Jenny Gardiner’s hilarious memoir will have you alternately laughing and crying, and watching the skies for winged pets out for your blood.”
–Kristy Kiernan, Award-winning author of Catching Genius

“With her right-on humor, Jenny Gardiner manages to make owning a vengeful parrot sound like fun! You don’t even have to like pets to like this book.”
–Eve Brown-Waite
Author of FIRST COMES LOVE, THEN COMES MALARIA

“This funny, smart book is much more than a story about life with a challenging parrot. Jenny Gardiner writes with humor and grace about the challenges and joys and stresses of parenthood, too. I loved it.”
–Sarah Pekkanen
author of The Opposite of Me

To get the book, click on the book’s cover in the sidebar.

The trials of “Parrothood”

by March Top Pick author Jenny Gardiner

smAuthor1-1My parrot wants me dead. She hates me. Proof is the triangular chunk of flesh now missing from both the front and back of my thumb, testament to the dangers of a beak that’s as powerful as an industrial metal-stamping die.
It seems where I’ve met with moderate success in parenthood–i.e. maintaining the upper hand in the relationship–I’ve failed miserably in parrot-hood.

Parrot-hood, you ask? Yes, in my case, that would be the state in which one must sustain a parrot.

Graycie, a too-smart-for-our-own-good African Gray parrot, came to our family from the wild, a Christmas gift from a relative living in Zaire 20 years ago. Graycie arrived on our doorstep–with a temporary stop in parrot prison (quarantine)–in good health but bad temperament. The first few years were arduous, as she was ferocious, snapping and growling at us when we got near. Who could blame her? Poor thing was chopped down from a tree and separated from her parents, stuffed into a crate with a hundred other terrified baby birds, and left to survive with little food or water.

Had I anything to say in the matter, I would have nixed owning a contraband bird from the get-go (back then most parrots ended up in the U.S. this way; shortly thereafter such means of parrot acquisition were banned). Nevertheless, I was determined to make the best of the situation, despite the fact that she arrived on the heels of the birth of our first child. I was having enough trouble dealing with the demands of a small human who needed my attention all day and night, so was ill-prepared to welcome a bird into the home who expected that and then some.

To some extent, Graycie’s redeemed herself over the years. She’s become quite the talker: she puts my kids in time-outs when they get sassy, yells at the dog when she tries to eat her, and answers the phone in my husband’s voice. Ditto his burps and sneezes. Recently when I used a broom to nudge her back onto the cage from the floor, she pecked at my feet and the broom while repeatedly saying, “Hello gray chicken!”

For a while Graycie got somewhat nice. She let us hold her, sometimes even stroke her feathers. Unfortunately she’d scoot up my arm and perch behind my neck, precariously close to that vital jugular vein and far too inclined to poop on my back, so I didn’t make a habit of such visits. Maybe that angered her.

Lately she’s lapsed into a phase of oppositional defiance that has me vexed (and mysteriously at the vortex of her wrath).

My friend is convinced Graycie needs a boyfriend. She is a teenager, after all. I’m convinced she needs anger management therapy. Perhaps, though, she is really a he and is tired of being called a girl (back when we got her, the only way to determine a bird’s gender was surgically, so we just guessed at it).

Whatever it is, I know this: what she wants most is to wound me. Often. When I clear the paper from beneath the cage, she races down to attack me, and gleefully rips my hair out. When I reach to open the perch on top, she’s there before I complete the job, straining as far as her body can reach in order to take a chomp my way. When she sneaks off the cage on her frequent surreptitious walkabouts, she attacks my ankles and feet as I try to catch her and return her to home base. I’m the first to admit I can’t quite control her.

When I glance at her, she just gazes back with a cold, black stare that says, “You know I could snap your finger in half easier than you could break a Lorna Doone in two, beyatch.” And she means it. The old adage about not biting the hand that feeds you must’ve slipped right on past her.

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To read more about Graycie and Jenny’s escapades, click on the link to WINGING IT in the sidebar and visit her author site at www.jennygardiner.net.

Jenny will be back later this week in a special Book End Babes interview. She’ll also join us for a Twitter Wine+Book Chat on Thursday, March 25th at 5 p.m. EST.

Author Jenny Gardiner’s Recipe

March Top Pick author Jenny Gardiner steps into our babe-a-licious kitchen to cook up a recipe she thinks would be divine for your next book club!

smAuthor1GOAT CHEESE TORTA (from Jr. League Celebration Cookbook)

Makes 12 to 16 servings

2 (8-oz) pkgs. Cream cheese, softened
7-8 oz. Mild goat cheese
2 cloves garlic, minced
4 tsp. Snipped fresh oregano, or 1 tsp. Dried oregano, crushed
1/8 tsp. Freshly ground peppers
1/4 c. prepared pesto
1/2 c. sun-dried tomatoes packed in oil
1-2 slivered almonds, toasted
fresh oregano or parsley sprigs
stone-ground wheat crackers or thinly sliced baguette

Line a 1-qt. Loaf pan or souffle dish w/ clear plastic wrap. In a food processor bowl or large mixer bowl, combine the cream cheese, goat cheese, garlic, oregano and pepper. Process or beat w/ electric mixer until smooth. Spread 1/3 of the cheese mixture into bottom of pan. Top w/ the pesto, spreading evenly. Layer w/ another 1/3 of cheese mixture. Drain sun-dried tomatoes, reserving 1 tomato for garnish. Chop the remaining tomatoes and spread evenly over the cheese mixture. Top w/ remaining cheese mixture. Cover plastic wrap and press gently to pack the cheese. CHILL SEVERAL HOURS!
Uncover cheese, invert onto serving plate, and remove plastic wrap. Cut reserved sun-dried tomato into thin slices. Garnish torta w/ tomato, toasted almonds, fresh oregano or parsley. Serve w/ crackers or baguette. American Title III winner, Sleeping with Ward Cleaver, (Available now! – click on the book cover art to learn more about the book from Amazon.)

Winging It: A Memoir of Caring for a Vengeful Parrot Who’s Determined to Kill Me (Simon Spotlight Entertainment/March 2010)
www.jennygardiner.net
www.jennygardiner.net/blog/